Train of thought. So, here is the thing; I have not figured out what my life's purpose is yet. It seems like there are those people who have this all figured out and feel content with their lives the way they are but I am not one of those poeple. I feel that there are too many wonderful and exciting and interesting things in this world to explore and get to know better to just focus on one thing for most of my life. Unfortunately, focusing on a single task is how the western world operates to a larger extent. It's something I have tried most of my adult life to avoid doing but now I see things from a different perspective. There is another person in the mix.
If I were on my own I would probably have no quams about fluttering through life without any real direction, just taking things as they come. That is how I have learned to free up my mind to look at things with fresh new eyes and never take anything for granted and try to assume as little as possible. This means that the list of possiblitites in my world is nearly infinite, and I would like to keep it that way. However, there are others things to consider. My life has become what I created it to be whether I know this or not. I have no one to blame but myself for my current prediciment. The prediciment is this; what am I to do with my life?
How can I find meaning personally and still maintain a real and lasting relationship with my husband and friends? This is the greater challenge that now lays before me. There is also a side issue that is not directly related but greatly effects how the former plays out. This is a matter of finances. It is time for that painful, blood stained activity called job hunting and the very thought of it makes me want to throw things. However, I need to find a new job in order to fulfill the requirments for me to explore the world as I previously stated. In the middle of my little mini-nervous breakdown I had about this whole venture I realized something, doing this means I get to have what I really want. My desire to work with my husband to create a home and a life together is far greater than my aversion to going out into the world looking for something better and being rejected a dozen times or more.
I long to create happiness and in order to do that, a little bit of personal sacrifice is required of me. It would be nice to think that all happiness comes from happiness but, as most people know, our greatest strengths and lessons come from stepping out of our comfort zones, taking that first step in a new and scary direction and being willing to pick ourselves up again when we inevitably trip over our own feet. It will happen at least once, trust me. So, I am going to make the choice to create positive change in my life and hope that will ripple out to those in my life that I love. That is the best I can hope for.