So many creative endeavors so little time. What to do, what to do? Well, I suppose the best thing to do is to pick something and start doing it. I have made a list of all the creative projects I either have on the go already or wish to start in the future. Now comes the hard part, prioritizing. Since I don't really favor any project over another I have decided to go about choosing the next one through random selection. In other words, I closed my eyes and threw my finger down on the page. Fate (and my finger) have thrown my headlong into finishing a book I checked out of the library. I can't remember the name of it at the moment but it sounded really interesting. It is basically about a girl's experiences with men and what she learned about herself in the process. I thought I could relate to that so I am going to give it a whirl.
In the meantime, my job hunt continues (blah) and my next move is to hit the pavement. Oh, the drudgery of walking around for hours handing out resumes, pretending that you like doing this when really you would rather have cat aids. But you got to do what you got you do, and I needs mo money. A new job where I didn't have to deal with snooty people would also be nice. I have a horrible feeling that I am going to end doing two jobs that I don't particularly like and pulling off 16 hour days, which will mean zero social life for me. As it is, I don't have much time for anything other than working, eating and sleeping. That is pretty much my life, five days a week. Blahhh! No wonder I need therapy.

I'm sitting here on the curb in the park at night, waiting to get a call from Paul, saying he is ready to go home. I don't mind it too much because it's fairly nice out and it gives me a chance to do a bit of writing. I already managed to get some drawing time in today, at the library. I find surrounding myself with books to be a very calming atmosphere. While I was there, I picked up a few tomes on deception and truth telling. I figured since one of the problems that Paul and I have been having was that I was lying to him, I should perhaps look into that.
I have to say that I have had a rather artistic and creative afternoon and evening. I feel like Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe busying away at their own artistic pursuits. I think the bit of fresh air and exercise I got on my little walk did me some good. I find that the air smells different depending on the time of day. Night air always has the lingering heat of the day in it, whereas morning air is crisp and cool. It's as if by morning, someone has taken the earth and shaken it like a snow globe so that all the freshness is stirred up, ready for a new day. I think this would be a good thing to put on my blog.

So I have been reading this new book of mine, Just Kids by Patti Smith. It's about her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe and how it changed her life. I have only managed to get through the first chapter so far but I am really enjoying it. I find myself looking in a mirror when she talks about wanting to be an artist and falling in love with the romanticism of it all. Even though I have artistic talent and would consider myself fairly creative, I have a hard time using the word "artist" to describe myself. The artists of the world are the Mapplethorpes and the Smiths and the da Vincis and the Dalis. I would never in a million years put myself on the same level as them. And this is where I think the difficulty comes in.
I really am working on the whole increased self confidence thing but this is pretty touchy territory. All through grade school I was praised by fellow students and teachers alike for my visual art talents. I felt awesome and empowered and ahead of the game. Then high school happened and my vision of the art "world" and my place in it changed drastically. I looked around and saw other students who were just as talented as me and many of them more so. Once it clicked that there were other people in the world like me, my pedistal suddenly shrank to a two inch high piece of plywood that was big enough for everyone else to stand on. So much for feeling original. But this is where the good news comes in.
To abrieviate an inner struggle that has been going on for years, in reading Patti Smith's accounts of being a budding artist and how passionate she was I find new inspiration. Since I can somewhat identify with her I am open to the possibility of one day openly declaring my artist status. But this is not something to be rushed into. Tempered enthusiasm would seem the best course of action. To get to the point, I long to be an artist just as Patti Smith did, but I am scared of what I may have to give up in order to get that. She truly was the typical starving artist and the idea of starving is never appealing. Me like food. So in conclusion,I will open myself up to being an artist and see what happens.

So, I realize that I don''t blog with any sort of regularity but it really isn't my fault. Everytime I decide to hunker down and start taking some blooding responsiblity with this thing life happens, at which point a blog seems less important. But then I started to realize something else; I like blogging. It is actually something that I get a certain amount of enjoyment out of, which should be incentive enough to keep me going, right? Well that's what my twisted head of ordering things thinks but the emotional attachment to the poeple and things in my life seems to win out every time. What to do, what to do?
I know! I could come sit down at my computer everyday and take five freaking minutes to say hi, how do you do? I know I sound angry and that is probably because I am, a bit, at myself. There are certain things that I want to give priority to in my life and writing this blog could be one of those things. Why would a blog be so important you may ask. The best response I can come up with is connection. I know it's not physical connection, I have other outlets for that not to worry. This sort of connection is a non-obligatory emptying of my head out into the cyber world to be witnessed by others. Knowing that I have put a piece of myself out there and that someone will read it, anyone, and find some sort of connection, no matter how small, makes me feel like I am doing something worthwhile.
This is the sort of stuff that will get people thinking and getting people thinking is what does it for me. If more people took the time to think the world as we know it could be transformed into something that we could all be proud of. Think on that, will you? But seriously, I think that blogging has the potential to transform the global social consciousness in ways previously unimaginable before. I plan on using this power for good. What do you plan on using it for?

Train of thought. So, here is the thing; I have not figured out what my life's purpose is yet. It seems like there are those people who have this all figured out and feel content with their lives the way they are but I am not one of those poeple. I feel that there are too many wonderful and exciting and interesting things in this world to explore and get to know better to just focus on one thing for most of my life. Unfortunately, focusing on a single task is how the western world operates to a larger extent. It's something I have tried most of my adult life to avoid doing but now I see things from a different perspective. There is another person in the mix.
If I were on my own I would probably have no quams about fluttering through life without any real direction, just taking things as they come. That is how I have learned to free up my mind to look at things with fresh new eyes and never take anything for granted and try to assume as little as possible. This means that the list of possiblitites in my world is nearly infinite, and I would like to keep it that way. However, there are others things to consider. My life has become what I created it to be whether I know this or not. I have no one to blame but myself for my current prediciment. The prediciment is this; what am I to do with my life?
How can I find meaning personally and still maintain a real and lasting relationship with my husband and friends? This is the greater challenge that now lays before me. There is also a side issue that is not directly related but greatly effects how the former plays out. This is a matter of finances. It is time for that painful, blood stained activity called job hunting and the very thought of it makes me want to throw things. However, I need to find a new job in order to fulfill the requirments for me to explore the world as I previously stated. In the middle of my little mini-nervous breakdown I had about this whole venture I realized something, doing this means I get to have what I really want. My desire to work with my husband to create a home and a life together is far greater than my aversion to going out into the world looking for something better and being rejected a dozen times or more.
I long to create happiness and in order to do that, a little bit of personal sacrifice is required of me. It would be nice to think that all happiness comes from happiness but, as most people know, our greatest strengths and lessons come from stepping out of our comfort zones, taking that first step in a new and scary direction and being willing to pick ourselves up again when we inevitably trip over our own feet. It will happen at least once, trust me. So, I am going to make the choice to create positive change in my life and hope that will ripple out to those in my life that I love. That is the best I can hope for.

Reading about writing does not do as much for writing as writing does for itself. By this I mean simply that in order for one to get better at writing one must write. You can read as many books as you like about writing and what the best way to go about it is. However, I am a firm believer in doing for I believe that in doing we receive the greatest knowledge. In honor of this sentiment, I have declared Thursday to be writing day. Every Thursday I will take time to write at least one thing, hopefully that will mean added more to this here blog thingy. Each morning, upon arising, I will write what Julia Cameron cleverly calls "morning pages" as a way of getting all the clutter out so that by the time I reach my blog there will be nothing but the good stuff. I don't want to impose too many rules because I want this to be a free and open experience. Once you start adding too many rules then you start worrying about whether you doing it right or enough or whatever. If you have to wonder if you are doing it right then you probably are not since doing it right means you dont care if you are doing it right. I will leave you with that thought. Happy writing!